something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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