3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
