got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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