areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
