is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
