I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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