found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
