oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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