On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
