he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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