can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
