Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
