Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
