please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know