Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
All I want is dick and wine.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
