My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do you remember whose house we're in?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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