Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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