i would punch a child for taco bell
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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