I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
