I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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