you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
