I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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