I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
