Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
