Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
