we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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