seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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