1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Umm I'm too high to move.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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