I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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