I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
