guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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