I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
