my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
