On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
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Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
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We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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