I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
