Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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