Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
