My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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