Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
