Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
