I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
