did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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