I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
