Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
