Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
