We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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