You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
