i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
