I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
