After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
