that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
