i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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