at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
